What could have been
by beyoncypadthai
Summary: Cal is unhinged and Gillian knows perfectly well why. A glimpse into Cal and Gillian's past of broken promises and twist of fate.
1. Chapter 1

A.N: I've had this story half completed for over a year and I thought I'll probably never complete it unless I start publishing :) Hope you like it!

This story happens around the third series but goes back and forwards in time.

* * *

 _"The Lightman Group was built on my sweat, I don't see anyone's else's name on the door, nor on my book jacket, for that matter"_

 _"The one you haven't written?"_

 _"You mess with my finances again, and you and I are through! Now you're the language expert. Can you tell me, do I mean that?"_

Although he had truly meant it in the heat of the moment, the look on Gillian made him feel nauseous. But although he regretted his unkind words, his anger towards her felt justified. And no, it wasn't over the matter of frozen bank accounts. It had simply been the straw that broke the camel's back. He saw the raw hurt on her beautiful face, but she was saved the retort as Mrs Salinger cautiously entered the kitchen.

 _"You and I are through"_

Those words seemed to reverberate in her head during the uncomfortable and dead quiet ride back to the office. He had meant it. She felt as if she was hollow inside, like a slow tide of panic was washing over her. He meant it. She pushed him and he decided to throw that in her face. Finally, a small voice inside her whispered.

He parked the car and left the car without looking at her. She followed and his dismissal of her presence helped fill the void inside her with fury. She buried all thoughts of the true reason for his behaviour and focused on her rage. Fueled it with all she could muster. Oh, and he even lent a hand, making sure she would see him with that crooked detective.

 _"Group hug? Too early?"_ He slouched worse than usual, looking at her daringly. She felt anger, but mostly frustration, bubbling in her which culminated with her derisive laughter. She turned away from them and walked to her office. She would wait this out. While his weapons of choice were rash decisions, provocation and prodding, hers was patience. That's why she had never lost.

* * *

 _ **Approximately six years before.**_

Cal and Gillian sat in his office enjoying a late night scotch. Gillian sat sideways on his sofa, her bare feet tucked under her, with her hair covering a part of her face. She looked so relaxed, and God, she never looked more beautiful. They were both exhausted after a gruelling case. Soft music played and the only light came from a lamp on his desk. He sat close to her, too close, slouched and his legs resting on the coffee table. Their knees almost touched.

Cal looked at her and he felt like his heart was about to leap out of his chest to cuddle in her impossibly warm embrace. He was so ridiculously in love with her that he was surprised his eyes didn't turn cartoonishly heart shaped every time he looked at her. Sometimes it physically hurt being so close to her. They were both married. Both dutifully ignoring said spouses in the cover of frequent late nights at the office. But to be completely honest, nothing had ever happened between them. Sometimes Cal even wondered whether his feelings were one-sided. She was an enigma to him.

"I think I better get going," she spoke suddenly, slowly sitting up.

"Yeah, me too darling," he looked at her.

"There's a long and exhausting fight waiting for me at home," he added with a humourless chuckle. Cal and Zoe did little except fight these days. Well, these last years was more accurate. Gillian looked at him with a compassionate smile.

"At least you fight. I feel like Alec and I are slowly drifting towards being companions that share a house." Gillian quickly realised what she had said. It had slipped from her traitorous mouth. She never talked about Alec with him. At least never anything regarding their marriage. She chanced a glance at him. What she saw made her heart leap. He wasn't even trying to hide it. Blatant hope. She couldn't say anything. She tried so hard to ignore her feelings, bottling them up and repeating over and over that she was happily married and Cal was simply her best friend. Her friend whom she wanted to spend every waking moment with. Slowly their faces approached as if an invisible force was drawing them together. The kiss was incredibly soft at first, but soon pent up longing took over and Cal pulled her onto his lap, one hand in her hair, the other held her tightly. Gillian stroked his hair and almost cried from the intensity of the kiss. He was so loving, adoring her with kisses. The kiss subsided and they breathed in unison. Gillian slowly removed herself from his lap, sitting as close to him as possible. They looked at each other and Cal looked punch-drunk.

"I've wanted to do that since I met you," he grinned, stroking his hand lovingly over her cheek.

Gillian smiled and kissed his palm. Cal closed his eyes at the gesture. He grabbed her head and kissed her again. She moaned into the kiss and he grunted, pushing her back. He kissed her neck and behind her ear, lightly biting on her earlobe. He then kissed her lips again, seeing stars as she pushed up her pelvis straight to his. He pushed back, letting her feel how she was affecting him. She moaned loudly and if it wasn't the most erotic thing he had ever heard. He kissed her neck and then left a trail of wet kisses towards her breasts. Gillian fumbled with his belt and Cal pushed up her skirt. He pulled her on top of him and pushed her underwear haphazardly down her long legs. He stroked her centre and she gasped. He swallowed her gasp with a kiss as Gillian deftly slid her hand inside his underwear, stroking his raging manhood. She gently pulled him out from his confines and guided him inside her.

 _Oh dear God_ Cal thought, she was so warm and soft. She began building up the tempo, slowly grinding her pelvis at him. Cal unbuttoned her shirt and removed her bra. He massaged one breast and kissed and licked the other. Gillian was clawing at his scalp and it was driving him crazy. He pushed her on her back and pulled out of her, then quickly entered her and picked up the tempo. Their combined moans echoed around the room and Cal knew he wouldn't last for much longer. He stroked her clit and drove hard into her. Gillian began trembling and as her inner muscles clenched around him he let go, joining her release.

They lay together on the couch, Gillian resting her head on Cal's chest, and he slowly stroked her hair. They hadn't said anything for a long while.

"What do we do now?" Gillian asked thoughtfully.

Cal didn't answer right away. What were they going to do? What could they do? Although Cal knew he had been unfaithful, he felt positively euphoric, lying there with Gillian in his arms. And he felt hopeful. He kissed her hair and stroked her back.

"You're all I want, Gill." He said, his heart beating faster. Gillian's eyes widened and she pushed up so she could look into his face.

"Leave Alec!" he said boldly, "my marriage is long gone," he added.

When she didn't say anything, he continued.

"Let's be together…" he hesitated, looking into her eyes, "I love you, Gillian."

Gillian felt a lump in her throat, she was so overwhelmed. She looked at him, with tears in her eyes. She meant to say, well, something, but no words came. She was so taken back by his complete honesty that she felt her heart swell. She kissed him softly, gently, full of the words she couldn't speak. He held her tightly and closed his eyes. Their tight embrace seemed to span a lifetime, or possibly only a heartbeat.

"Yes," she finally said. Cal looked at her, not really believing his own ears. A smile crept up her face at his stunned expression. They spent the night on the sofa, kissing and loving and adoring each other. Neither thought about what tomorrow would bring.

Cal walked through his front door, early next morning. He felt trepidation as he kicked off his shoes and entered his home. Zoe sat in the kitchen. She was wearing a silk nightgown and a murderous glare. It was obvious that she had not slept.

"Morning," she said icily, staring daggers at him.

"Morning," he answered.

"Where the hell have you been?" she said, standing up. Cal saw that she was on the warpath. She flared out, preparing for the storm.

"I want a divorce," he said, preventing her next retort.

"I slept with Gillian," Cal added.

His cheek burned after her aggrieved slap. Zoe's face showed hurt, hate and humiliation.

Gillian sat in her driveway, thinking about what had happened. She had slept with Cal! Her best friend. Cheated on her husband. And she didn't feel nearly as guilty as she ought to. All she wanted was to be with Cal again. She closed her eyes and images of their night played in her mind. She smiled and exited the car. She opened the front door and saw Alec sitting at the breakfast bar. He was drinking his morning coffee, reading the newspaper. She entered the kitchen and he looked up at her.

"Oh, were you just coming in now?" he said in mild surprise.

"Uhm, yeah… Long case," she answered, avoiding his eyes.

"Well, I'm actually off," he said, looking at his watch. He put his coffee cup in the sink and kissed her on the cheek.

"See you tonight," he said and he was gone.

Gillian stood in the kitchen puzzled. He hadn't found it odd at all that she was coming home early in the morning? Was he really this detached from her life?

* * *

 _ **Present time**_

Gillian sat pensively in her office. Her desk was neatly organised, like the rest of her office. Charming and warm with a professional ambience.

Much like herself. Calm and collective. She looked at the photos on her desk. A photo of her holding Sophie, a photo of her mother and then there was her favourite one. A photo of her and Cal holding each other tightly, champagne glasses in hand, laughing at a long forgotten joke. It was taken just after they started the practice. She had always loved this photo. It was before everything changed when they were still naive. She kept that photo and the one of Sophie in a way to agonise herself. One photo was a constant reminder that what she wanted most in life had been taken away from her; the other a reminder of what could have been. The cruel fate of the pain associated with these photos haunted her every day. But playing the game of what if was dangerous. Especially when she was feeling raw from his latest beratement. The cruellest what if her treacherous mind had ever conjured up, was the combination of these two photos. Merged together, forming a heart achingly longing for what would never be. She sometimes thought that she deserved to feel this way. That she should suffer. God knows how he has suffered.

Cal was waiting. She knew it. He had been waiting for her since she finally decided to leave Alec. But so much time had passed since their night, all those years ago. She kept him at arm's lengths because she was afraid to face her own actions.

* * *

 _tbc..._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Past**_

* * *

Cal spent the night at the office. Zoe had yelled and screamed at him as he gathered a few things in a bag. The worst thing was when little Emily appeared in the hallway pyjama-clad clutching her stuffed mouse, her big eyes wide with confusion and fright. She watched her mother scream and curse at her dad and tears welled in her eyes. Cal bent down to her and stroked her cheek, "I luv you darling" he said and added, "everything's going to be all right". At that Zoe turned and picked up Emily, looking daggers at Cal. "Leave. Now!" She said through clenched teeth. Cal picked up his bag and left the house and drove to the office. The next days and weeks would be hard but it was all worth it. Gillian was worth it.

As he entered the Lightman Group he noticed it was filled with people. As soon as the people who seemed to be in charge spotted him they stormed towards him. There was a new case, a kidnapping, and time was of the essence. Cal was ushered in the conference room which was filled with police and FBI. A little girl was missing, presumably kidnapped. She was last seen entering the school bus but hadn't been seen since. She had been missing for over 18 hours. Cal thought of Emily and chills sent down his spine. The investigation had led nowhere. The FBI wanted Cal to interrogate the school bus driver to see if he was lying. "Bring him in," Cal said seriously.

 _ **xxx**_

Gillian walked through the entrance of the group and was surprised to see all the people there. She approached the front desk.

"What's going on Carrie?" she asked the receptionist. Carrie explained about the kidnapping and Gillian shook her head minutely. "Poor parents, they must be devastated," Gillian said and made to join the conference room.

"Should I reschedule the meeting with the investors?" Carrie asked, picking up the phone and looking at Gillian.

Damn it. They couldn't cancel this meeting again. They had already had to reschedule twice before. Gillian looked thoughtfully at the busy conference room. The investors wanted to meet Cal. But there was not a chance that she would even try to pull him from a child kidnapping case. She would have to meet them alone.

"Uhm, no Carrie. Call and ask them to meet me at St. Regis at ten." Gillian watched as the receptionist nodded and began dialling.

Gillian walked to her office, catching a glimpse of Cal being debriefed. She had little time. She grabbed the necessary folders and fixed her nearly perfect makeup. She would need to charm these old farts. She sighed and grabbed her bag and left the office.

"Tell dr. Lichtman where I am if he asks" she said quietly to Carrie who nodded her head to indicate that she had heard.

This was going to be a long day, Gillian thought.

The meeting was long but successful. The investors insisted that Gillian join them for a lunch that prolonged greatly and she had yet to go over half of the files she had brought. Cal was usually the one who would make sure they never spent more than an hour with these people. He would leave and Gillian would apologise for him and they felt bad for her. But with the absence of Cal, they seemed to be making up for lost time. They seemed at least in no hurry and the lunch turned into cocktails. When Gillian finally left it was almost four o'clock. She was absolutely exhausted. She checked her phone and except for a few emails, she didn't have any messages. Cal was obviously still working on the case. She drove back to the Group and when she entered it was almost empty. Gillian went to her office and decided to do some paperwork until Cal came back. She was deeply focused on the budget reports in front her when someone knocked softly on her office door. She looked up smiling, hoping to see Cal there, but her smile faded a bit as Carrie stood there with her coat on.

"Are you leaving?" Gillian asked and smiled at the young woman.

"Yes. I finished everything…" her voiced trailed away and she smiled awkwardly.

"Uhm, this is a bit embarrassing but, do you have a spare tampon? Everyone left, or at least all the women did." Carrie asked looking embarrassed for having to ask her boss this.

"Oh, yeah, of course," Gillian smiled. She opened up her desk drawer and rummaged for a little while before finding one.

"Here you go," she said, handing it to Carrie.

"Oh my God thank you. You're really saving me." Carrie smiled again, "Somehow I'm always caught off guard, every month, haha" She finished with a little laugh.

"We've all been there," said Gillian sympathetically.

"Goodnight Gillian," said Carrie and left the office

"Goodnight" Gillian replied.

Gillian sat and contemplated something that was bothering her. She wrote a message for Cal, got up and put on her coat. She was probably just tired. These reports could wait until tomorrow. She walked to Cal's office and put the note on the desk and stopped to look at the sofa where she had spent last night. A strange feeling ran through her. She clasped her purse and left.

 _ **xxx**_

Cal entered the group just before midnight. He was completely spent. But thankfully the little girl was safe with her parents. This had been a gruelling day. The girl had been lured away by two teenage boys, one of whom showed serious psychopathic tendencies. After interrogating the bus driver for hours he finally admitted to seeing his son approaching the missing girl's house. What surprised Cal was that the bus driver was covering for his son not simply because he was the boy's father, but because he was afraid of his son. The son terrorised the house hold and Cal suspected that he had already harmed his little sister in some way.

Cal looked towards Gillian's office and it there was no light. She probably went home, it was very late after all. He walked into his office and slumped into his chair where he noticed the note on his desk. He reached for it and read

 _—Went home to catch some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow, yours G.—_ Cal smiled and moved over to the sofa. He laid down holding Gillian's note and fell asleep almost at once. He woke when the sun shone in his face through the drape-less window. He looked at his watch, it was early but Gillian was usually one of the first people to arrive at the office so he decided to get up. He thought he'd surprise her and he jogged downstairs to buy her a coffee and danish. Cal was happy. He gave a big tip at the coffee-stand and whistled an off key tune as he waited for the elevator. A few employees who waited with him looked at each other bemused. He walked into Gillian's office and arranged her coffee carefully on her desk. He was actually a bit surprised that she wasn't here yet. He looked at his watch, it was nine o'clock and she was rarely late. Cal scowled but brushed it off. He saw that Carrie was looking around for him and she gestured that he had a call waiting. He walked briskly to his office, hoping it was Gillian, but it was the FBI. The teenage psychopath who had kidnapped the little girl hadn't said one word since he was captured. And now the little girl was insisting that the bus driver took her. What a mess. Cal agreed to interrogate the suspect. They would be here soon and still no sign of Gillian.

Cal had been in the cube for a long time, facing a smug looking teenager, but hadn't uttered one word yet. This boy was still silent but stared at Cal with a nonchalant look that was none the less beginning to falter slightly. He had obviously prepared himself to infuriate the questionnaire by refusing to answer but this was not what he had expected. The tension in the gallery was intense. It was as if everyone was under a spell, nobody dared make a sound. Cal stared the teenager down and finally saw it. The slight twitch of his eyebrow. His tell. Cal smiled and relaxed. This bothered the boy. His calm demeanour was slipping away. Cal was about to ask him a question when he saw a familiar face in the gallery. His heart skipped a beat. She was finally there. He snapped out of it and suddenly shot question after question at the boy, who still didn't move but was visibly tenser. Cal stood up and looked menacingly at him.

"You took her, didn't you? You took her to that basement because you're a small insignificant boy. You're certainly not a man. Look at you" he said with a sneer. "Did you take her because it made you feel powerful? Luring an eight-year old girl away? You think that makes you dangerous? You're just a punk. You're nothing. You're not even worth my time." Cal looked at him with pity and made to leave. "Let's just leave, he's not worth all this, we were mistaken." He began typing in the code on the door. The suspect suddenly moved.

"I fooled the FBI." He said but seemed to regret it as soon as the words left his mouth.

Cal shrugged and opened the door. The teenager started screaming, "get back here! You have no idea what I´m capable of" He kept yelling but Cal just left. Soon after the suspect confessed in hopes of getting Cal's attention back. He stared at the gallery but Cal stood with his back to him. Then he turned only to push a few buttons at the control centre and the walls of the cube turned white blocking the suspects view of the gallery. They could hear him scream and yell profanities at them. The detective in charge looked triumphant as he walked into the cube. He can finish this, Cal thought. He turned around expecting to see Gillian but she was gone. He walked towards her office but stopped abruptly. Inside her office stood Alec in front of Gillian. That alone was out of character, Alec never came to the office. He had probably only once before set foot inside the building. Cal saw as Alec handed Gillian something. As Alec turned a bit Cal could see Gillian and what he saw sent his pulse racing. She looked inside the small bag had handed her and tears formed in her eyes. Tears of joy. A loud buzzing filled Cal's ears as Gillian hugged Alec and smiled a true smile of happiness and love. Cal stared at her. When she finally looked up and caught his eye her whole demeanour changed and Cal stopped breathing. Her whole face showed deep sorrow and her lips mouthed 'I'm sorry' as she shook her head minutely. He couldn't move. His feet were made of lead. When he finally caught his breath again his throat burned as he inhaled. He didn't understand what had happened but what he had seen in her face was crystal clear, after all- they had never needed words.

* * *

 _tbc._


	3. Chapter 3

_Past_

* * *

Gillian sat on her bathroom floor completely stunned. She felt a strange combination of complete euphoria and deep sorrow. But there was no doubt about what she would do, and that made the sorrow and what could have been hurt even more. She pictured Cal and tears formed in her eyes. She heard the front door open and heard Alec call her name. The sound of his voice sent the tears streaming down her cheeks. He called again and Gillian heard him walking up the stairs and into their bedroom.

"Gillian, are you in here? I saw your car" he asked and opened the bathroom door. It took him a while to realise what he was seeing. Gillian sat on the floor crying with around a dozen pregnancy tests at her feet. All positive. Alec looked at his wife and a smile crept slowly on his lips.

"You're.. you're?" he couldn't finish.

Gillian looked at him and nodded. Alec sat next to her and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her and hugged tightly.

Gillian had realised after Carrie's offhand comment that something wasn't right. She was always on time. She checked her calendar and realised that she was late. Six weeks late. She and Alec hadn't used any kind of protection after they got married but when nothing happened she slowly gave up hope. They had talked about seeing a doctor but somehow they never did, Alec was always busy or she was, and the years just went by. She stopped at a gas station on her way home and bought a pregnancy test. She bought two of every brand they had. The confused look of bemusement and shock on the gas station attendant would have been comical if she had only noticed. Instead, she ran to her car and drove as fast as possible home. She hurried to the bathroom in her bedroom but stopped. She realised what this meant. If she truly was pregnant she would not, could not, leave Alec. It was his baby. She sat on her bed transfixed. Finally, she mustered the courage to stand up and go to the bathroom. She took test after test and all were positive. This was real. How ironic that she was finally pregnant, with Alec's baby, as soon as she decided to leave him.

Gillian hardly slept that night. Alec had held her so gently, stroking her abdomen lovingly, but Gillian lay stiff with tears running silently down her cheeks. She could still smell Cal, could still feel him.

The next morning Gillian overslept, almost deliberately. She sat up in the empty bed, her mind a whirlwind of emotions. She got dressed quickly and walked downstairs and was surprised to see breakfast waiting for her and a single rose. On the table was a note from Alec

—I can't wait! Love you x—. Gillian looked at it and didn't know how to feel. She ate quietly and a small smiled crept on her lips as she looked again at the note. This was so unlike Alec but she knew how much he had wanted kids.

Gillian came late to the office and saw the interrogation room packed. She didn't muster going in just yet so she walked to her office. Her heart sank. On her desk sat a cold coffee and a sugary pastry Cal usually admonished her for eating. There was no note but she knew it was from Cal. She took a deep breath and walked to the Cube.

Gillian loved watching Cal work. He was like an animal on the prowl, circling his prey. But then he saw her and Gillian had to use all her willpower not to crumble in the mere seconds they locked eyes. The moment was gone and Cal went in for the kill. Gillian couldn't stay there so she walked as fast as she could out. She had been at her desk, hiding, when someone knocked on her office door. For a moment she was petrified that it was Cal, but when she looked up she saw Alec standing there holding a small bag, smiling.

"I just had to see you," Alec said. Gillian stood up from her desk. Before she could think of anything to say Alec spoke.

"I wanted you to know how incredibly happy I am. I just, can´t believe it. After all this time." He finished and fumbled with the bag and handed it to Gillian. She pulled out a beautiful onesie and a teddy bear.

"I saw it and, well, I just had to get it." Alec finished, somewhat lamely.

Tears welled in Gillian's eyes as she held the tiny garment in her hands. Her heart filled with joy. A baby. At last! She moved towards her husband and hugged him. She looked up and felt like she'd been doused in icy water. Cal stood not far from her office and looked confused and terrified. Gillian shook her head and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry!'

xxx

Cal sat, or barely sat, on a high barstool. He was almost comically drunk. His head wobbled back and forth and as he moved the glass towards his lips he needed several attempts until he hit them. He took a sloppy sip and looked annoyed at the bartender, who had cut him off and was threatening to throw him out. He was almost passed out when a terribly soft hand gently touched his shoulder. He could smell her perfume and he turned around faster than his inebriated figure could muster and promptly fell off his chair. The world was spinning and he tried to get up but failed. The annoyed bartender was next to him now and pulling him roughly into a standing position.

"I'm alright, I'm.. alright" Cal slurred. He looked at Gillian who was filled with concern.

"Get him out of here," the bartender said angrily. Gillian handed him cash and put her arm around Cal's waist and guided him outside. Cal held onto her shoulder and smelled her hair. Oh dear God, she smelled like rain and Christmas and strawberries. Like everything nice in the world.

"Gill" he half whispered. Gillian tried to suppress her sob but was unsuccessful.

"Here you go," she said with such care and love as she helped Cal into her car.

"Where are you staying?" She asked carefully as she put the key in the ignition.

"Nowhere" Cal grunted half asleep. Gillian sighed and drove.

Cal hadn't really registered that they had stopped nor that Gillian had helped him out of the car. He slowly realized that she helping him sit down on a bed inside a neat room which reminded him of her. He was in her spare room and she was taking off his shoes. He laid down and observed her as she hung his jacket on the back of a chair and arranged his shoes neatly next to the chair. She sat down and looked at him, her eyes filled with sadness.

After a long pause, she finally spoke.

"I'm pregnant." She said slowly.

Cal looked at her surprised and then understanding hit him like a ton of bricks. He knew Gillian wanted nothing more than to be a mother. Her face would light up around children and she radiated maternal warmth. He knew that she and Alec both wanted children. He also knew that this meant they could never be together. She would not leave Alec when she was pregnant with his child. Suddenly he felt a heavy weight on his chest and his ears were ringing.

"Congratulations darling," he said sadly and turned his back to her. He hoped she would leave.

Gillian watched his back and tears were streaming down her face. His face had been full of angst and sorrow. She slowly got up and left the room stealing one last look as she closed the door. He looked like he was asleep but his shoulders and fists were clenched. She walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Never had she expected that she would feel anything other than joy if she ever became pregnant.

When Gillian woke early next morning Cal had already left.

xxx

As time went by the news of Lightman's divorce travelled around the office which explained his dishevelled appearance in their eyes. He kept to his study and was unusually cruel to the staff. What was unusual was that Foster wasn't reprimanding him for it or even making excuses for him. Gillian kept out of his way and made sure the company kept going. A few weeks later Gillian made a small announcement that she and Alec were expecting a baby. Cal hadn't talked to her since that night. He would disappear for a day or two or become so invested in a case that he could ignore her under the guise of work. Seeing her beam of happiness she so deserved was too much for him. He was too weak, her happiness felt like daggers in his vulnerable chest. And he felt disgusted with himself. For the horrible and cruel thoughts that sought his mind. He should be happy for her. Her happiness was worth much more than him.

One day Gillian came to the office looking like an empty shell of herself. She was white like a ghost and as she walked automatically towards her office Cal knew at once that something was wrong. He followed her into her office and when she looked at him he saw that her eyes were red and swollen. Her beautiful face was contorted with deep, visceral sorrow. Cal felt a lump in his throat.

"I lost the baby," she said mechanically. And then she looked away from him and picked up papers from her desk. She tried reading them but tears welled up in her eyes and her hands started shaking. Cal rushed towards her took the paper from her. He gently pulled her from the chair and grabbed her coat and purse. Gillian let him guide her as she silently cried. This time it was Cal that guided her to his car and drove to her house. He walked her to the front door as Alec opened the door. He looked like hell. He grabbed Gillian and Cal nodded to him.

"I'm so sorry Gillian. Take as much time as you like," Cal said and backed away, unable to look at Alec comforting his wife for much longer.

"Thanks, Cal," Alec said as he walked Gillian into the house.

* * *

 _Present_

When Gillian finally left Alec, Cal daren't hope. Every time he felt hope's traitorous aspiration surfacing, he pushed it deep down within. It had nearly destroyed him when she rejected him. But he couldn't help getting closer to her, pushing her boundaries, her lines. He saw her indecisiveness when he advanced on her. He daren't hope, however, he had no problem reminding her of what she almost had. He invaded her personal space on a daily basis, held her tightly and eyed her obviously whenever he could. But he was also cruel to her. He was becoming more reckless and wilder.

Cal understood she needed time. They had grown so close, and yet they avoided talking about that night, those promises in the early morning in his office. Only in moments of great distress did some of that frustration spill out. And always from Cal. But when she met Burns, everything changed.

She fell in love. Cal felt so humiliated and the jealousy felt like it would rip him apart. He had not been celibate since his divorce, far from it, but he had never loved any of them. How could he, when his heart didn't belong to him, nor had it for a long time? He hated Burns. Truly and viscerally hated him.

That fateful night in the warehouse, with the teenage gangsters, Cal admitted his feelings for the second time ever. In all his years loving her, he had only admitted it twice. The first time she lay in his arms, the other, he stood with his back to her facing her lover.

* * *

 _tbc._


	4. Chapter 4

_Present time_

The next days past and Gillian began feeling worried. Cal wasn't returning to his normal self. He was distant, secretive and mean. None of that was new behaviour with him but when combined for a prolonged time, she couldn't help getting paranoid. Had he truly found his tipping point?

She felt as if she was standing at the mouth of an abyss, ready to jump. But her mind and sense told her to just turn around and walk away. On the other hand, she felt that in order to move on she would need to jump, to let go. But she was afraid that the longer she waited, the abyss became more dangerous, more treacherous. So she stood firmly in her spot, moving neither forward nor backwards. She was on standby. Filled with unwanted memories.

Many had wondered why Gillian stayed with Alec for so long. Could she really not see that he was deceiving her? Was she that obtuse?

Of course, she saw it, how could she not. Alec had relapsed after they lost Sophie and he treated Gillian terribly but she had fallen in love with another man. Her deceit was much, much worse, Gillian thought. Especially when she thought back to their fights just after Cal and she had opened the group. From the beginning of her partnership with Cal, they were close. Friendly jokes, flirtation and touching. At that time Alec was unable to contain his jealousy although there was no reason for it… Well, that wasn't entirely true. However, both Cal and Gillian were faithful and loved their spouses. When Gillian and Alec fought, usually after Alec had one drink too many, he would snap at her that he thought she was sleeping with 'that fucking brit'. Once his accusations became rather crude, "I bet you bend over and let him fuck you whenever and wherever he wants". Alec wasn't a crude or rude person by nature and immediately he regretted his words. He stared at her remorsefully and told her, his voice choking, that he loved her more than life and he was terrified of losing her. Gillian pulled him towards her and kissed him, whispering that he needn't worry - that she was his. They made love on the living room carpet that night. But although Gillian tried very hard to convince herself too, the unbidden image of Cal lying on top of her on the living room floor appeared vividly in her mind and sent her into a toe-curling orgasm that left her with a bleeding lip as she bit it to keep her from crying out his name. Alec fell asleep holding her tightly, smiling, but Gillian felt disgusted with herself. She would have liked to say that after that she had been able to keep her private life and work life separate. It was true that she never divulged about her private life to Cal but at home, her professional life couldn't stop from spilling into her life with Alec. As she became better at reading faces and spotting lies she started reading her husband involuntary. It became a relief to go to work where she could never read Cal. And although she would never admit it to anyone, she had started to imagine Cal almost everytime she had sex. One time after a rather prolonged and exquisite night with Alec she couldn't look Cal in the eye, she was so sure that he would be able to tell, would know that she had been fantasizing about another man the entire night.

Gillian's cheek flushed as she remembered this. She had sat contemplating for too long. Long gone was the blissful rage she felt the other day. Now she was just scared. Sat brooding in her office like a coward.

* * *

 _Past_

Time goes by and Cal sees the same look of love and happiness grace her beautiful face three more times and each time happiness is cruelly ripped from her. He witnessed from afar as she became increasingly paler and thinner. In the end, something broke within her. During one of Cal late nights, which had become habitual for him, she appeared in his doorway drenched from the pouring rain outside, looking completely heart-broken.

"Is it my fault?"

Cal barely heard the weak whisper. Gillian swayed, one hand clung to her bag the other rested over her womb.

"Am I broken?" She said, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Cal looked at her and didn't really know what to say. Their lost chance still burned him and his raw wounds had just started healing. The wounded part of him was angry that she was here. Why wasn't she crying in Alec's loving embrace? She didn't want Cal. As soon as the thought formed Gillian spoke so softly that Cal could barely make out the word she was saying.

"Alec said it must be me…" Her voice trailed away as she looked at him desperately.

"Am I broken?" She repeated as Cal stood up and walked briskly towards her. His wounds are damned. He hugged her tightly and stroked her head in a calming gesture. Gillian's final restraints broke at the touch and she began crying, immersed in sorrow. Her body went completely limp. It was her fourth miscarriage.

 _xxx_

Gillian's losses had permanently altered her. Cal understood what she was going through and he knew she would never be the same. He wasn't. After his mother died a part of him died as well. There had been a long period of self-destructing, filled with drinking, gambling and generally reckless behaviour but somehow Gillian's self-destruct phase seemed to be more damaging than Cal's had been. It was slowly but surely hollowing her out. She was like a clone of the woman she used to be. As time went by she began looking and sounding like herself again but it wasn't the same. Her smile seldom reached her eyes and her voice seemed to have lost some of its resonance. They grew closer again but she was always wary and extremely careful.

* * *

 _Present time_

Cal was restless. When he sat his feet would shake like he was in withdrawals. He couldn't stand still and he charged forward, with no precise direction. He was itching to do something mental. Jumping off a cliff sounded very inviting. The detective had been fun. A distraction. A soft, luscious and headstrong distraction. He smirked at the thought. Being around her had made him feel like a young lad in London. Gaming people and getting into trouble. Being around her made him live in the moment. Carpe diem and all that shit… He couldn't still, or slow down. Deep, deep down he was terrified. Terrified to look at her. It was easier to annoy her, hurt her. Somehow he felt like he was running out of time. Like some unknown deadline was approaching with completely unknown ramifications.

* * *

 _tbc.._


	5. Chapter 5

A.N: This final chapter happens during The Canary's Song.

* * *

 _Present time_

She sometimes wondered whether Cal ever suspected that she was a world class coward? He had a tendency to put her on top of an impossible pedestal, one of pureness and sanctitude. After she had, finally, divorced Alec she could see Cal waiting. Once again he ignored what any sane person would call 'personal space', teased her and flirted outrageously. And she loved it. She flirted back and felt the colour return to her cheeks and felt a lightness she had forgotten once belong to her dainty feet. But as she saw and felt Cal opening up fear doused her with icy cold doubt and panic. So she backed away, ever so slightly. But to Cal, she might have just run away screaming.

She recounted the exact moment she felt her feet grow cold with the fear of pursuing the truest form of happiness she knew of. After that horrific hostage situation at the office, there he was, almost, completely whole. She hugged him tightly and inhaled his scent. Neither wanted to admit that they didn't want to sleep alone but they ended up on the sofa watching re-runs. Slowly she ended in his arms and after a while, they fell asleep. Gillian woke in the middle of the night, her head on Cal's shoulder and his arm draped around her protectively. She almost cried at the feeling of content and security. She didn't stir but lay silent listening to his breathing and prayed silent thanks that his heart beat strongly underneath her palm. It had been so close… Too close. The following morning they prepared breakfast together in blissful domesticity, and just as Cal was preparing his tea carefully Gillian became suddenly overwhelmed. Her heart beat loudly and she couldn't stop herself from embracing him and holding him tightly. She loved him so much it physically hurt. An actual searing pain that felt like she was ripping in two. She held him for a long while and Cal, although initially startled, held her and stroked her head. "I'm just so glad you're here, alive" Gillian whispered, with tears in her eyes.

And that was it. She grew more nervous as the weeks went on but when he came back from Afghanistan she couldn't hold it together anymore. It was subtle really. She hugged him when he came back but it was friendly, loving, but platonic. Not many would know the difference but Cal did. He gave her space. And then she found her way out. The cowards way out. A tall, red-haired way out, with strong hands and an open face. She tried to tell herself that nothing had changed, that he was completely enthralled with the wily Clara, and that she deserved to have a little fun. But she knew that he was waiting, waiting for her next move.

In a way, she had loved Burns, but it had been different. As if the simplicity that he could offer her intensified the emotion. Burns was simple, fun but as it turned out a painful distraction. He told her he loved her on one of their late mornings in bed. She was completely speechless but he didn't need to hear it back. So she kissed him passionately and they stayed even longer in bed. He was almost the complete opposite of Cal. And perhaps that was why she was so utterly smitten, to begin with.

But now she was alone again. Burns was gone; Sophie was gone and now she was afraid that Cal was gone too. The very thought of it sent bile to the back of her throat. She stood up from her desk and walked towards the bathroom. She splashed water on her face and watched her reflection in the mirror.

* * *

 _Present time_

Cal sat at the minors bar, with a dishevelled Loker nursing a scotch next to him. They had just closed the case and Cal was rather impressed with the younger man's performance.

"Come on, I'll drive ya home," Cal said as he stood up, grabbing the helmet he'd been wearing. Loker stood up shakily and followed him to the car. They were silent during the drive and Cal wondered if Gillian had managed to save him. Yet again…

When he entered the office the crooning voice of Al Hibbler greeted him.

Cal half carried Torres to his car and carelessly put her in the back seat. Apparently, he'd become the designated driver for his subordinates. He drove her home and with some difficulty carried her up the steps and finally managed to lay her down on her couch. He pulled a blanket over her and left. He could still smell Gillian from their slow dance on the roof terrace. Long gone was the restless feeling that had been fuelling him in the past days. He was completely spent. But in the absence of the itchiness, a familiar darkness was creeping over the horizon. He drove back to the office and decided he would settle down with the remainders of the exquisite whiskey. He walked the dark hallway and wondered if Gillian had taken a taxi home, or if she had perhaps fallen asleep on her couch. Apparently, a taxi as her office was empty. He sighed and walked towards his study. He didn't notice her sitting on the couch.

"You kept it," she said softly but still startling him.

"Blimey, Foster, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" he exclaimed.

She giggled quietly and Cal thought she must still be quite drunk.

He walked towards her, watching her holding a piece of paper in her hands.

"Kept what?" he asked, now standing at the couch.

"This," she said as she and gestured the piece of paper she had written, all those years ago. She stroked over her signature ' _yours, G'_

"Yeah," he said simply, not really knowing what to say.

"You know, I really meant it," she said, still stroking over the ' _yours'_ , "I really thought I could be yours —finally," she added softly.

Cal stood still and didn't really know what to say. He wondered if this was the alcohol talking. He couldn't see her face and he desperately wanted to sit next to her and study her beautiful face. Search it for clues. Funny, he thought, Zoe always hated it when he did that but it never seemed to bother Gillian. She just looked back and studied his face in turn. That often made it almost impossible for him to read her. Because when she looked at him he couldn't stop himself from just looking at her. He would often stare at her, when she couldn't see him, he just simply couldn't get enough. Like she was a puzzle that he was constantly trying to finish. But now? Now he wasn't sure that he could look at her. He was feeling too vulnerable, too raw. He had always seemed to invite trouble wherever he went but what scared him now was that he felt reckless in the face of danger. He'd done stupid things before, Lord only knows, but the murky feelings muddling inside him made him careless of his life. That terrified him. Was this how his mother had felt? The hopelessness that engulfs you, whispering in your ear… Usually, the very thought of Emily would banish these thoughts, at least long enough for him to find something to distract himself, but now he felt too weak.

A sudden movement from the couch pulled him from his revery.

"Do you ever think about what it would have been like?" Gillian turned to face him and asked him, looking almost like a child.

He must have made a face because she seemed to regret it immediately.

"I shouldn't have said… That's not fair of me to ask," she said quickly, absentmindedly wiping a tear away.

"Must be the drinks," she added unconvincingly.

Cal watched her and she looked away, not wanting him to read her. That gave him the push needed so he sat next to her on the couch.

After a long silence, Cal finally spoke.

"I've thought about it, probably, every day since that night.— No, that's not right," he took a deep breath, "I've thought about what my life would have been with you since…" he stopped, looking at his hands, not quite ready to admit how long he had loved her. "For years I've imagined how very different my life would have been had we met under different circumstances. Everything you've been through, you have no idea how much I wanted to be the one next to you, to get to comfort you, to share your pain. The thought of waking up next to you every morning is the closest I can imagine as heaven."

He looked at her and saw tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I've been scared, and I really don't know what I've been afraid of, except perhaps, happiness. Because that night with you I felt for the first time in my life security. Being in your embrace was the first and last time I've experienced true happiness… I try not to think about it too much. Because if I do I have to fight with every fibre in my body to keep going. Otherwise, I would crumble up and be whisked away by the wind. I had true happiness, love and security, for a little while I had it, but I let it go. I let it slip away and it's my fault. And I've seen how you've suffered, and I'm so sorry Cal. Sometimes I wish I'd have left earlier that night, in order to spare us, from this pain." she finished and didn't dare look at him.

Cal was shocked. Not so much by her words, but by her guilt that painted her whole face. And he understood. She blamed herself for everything. For their lost romance, for her terrible losses and for his anger and pain. She covered it very well but, she was his blind spot after all. This realisation baffled him, but also plunged him into nagging guilt. He had blamed her, as well. And now he couldn't help but wonder if she'd sensed or even seen it on his tortured face.

"Darling," he said and softly took her hands in his own, "I would relive the pain a hundred times if it meant I got to love you properly, even if it was only for a few hours," he said and squeezed her hands. Gillian let out a small sob and Cal pulled her towards him. She cried in his arms and Cal stroked her hair lovingly. Neither of them noticed when they fell asleep.

Sometime during the night, they had laid down together in a close embrace. The early sun was shining through the window and slowly began shining directly into Cal's face. The brightness made him turn his head and at that, he breathed in Gillian's hair. At that, he opened his eyes and for a moment he was confused. He looked out the window as the sun was rising and then down at Gillian who sleepily stirred in his arms. For a split second, he was there again; their only night together. Only then had he woken up naked next to her. He had kissed her eyelids, nose, cheeks and finally her lips. She woke with a smile and quickly deepened the kiss. The made sleepy love and afterwards Gill lay on top of him and he slowly stroked her back.

"This couch is surprisingly accommodating," Gillian said with a smile.

"Just imagine what we'll be able to do in a bed," Cal replied cheekily. Gillian laughed and he held her tightly.

That moment had been pure perfection, Cal reminisced. Full of promise and new love.

He was pulled from his revery as Gillian stretched.

"We fell asleep?" She said groggily.

"Yeah," he said looking at her through heavy-lidded eyes.

"In this couch," Gillian said with a small smile.

Cal chuckled and kissed the top of her head. Gillian held him tighter at that and sighed contentedly.

They lay silent for a long while.

"How you feeling?" Cal asked.

"'Dry mouth and swollen eyes' sums it up pretty well," she said with a little laugh.

"Do you want to get up?" He asked, making to move.

"No!" She replied quickly and he laid back again.

"I feel almost like we've been given another chance. Is that silly?" She asked.

"How do you mean?" Cal asked.

"The last time we woke up together, on this very couch, we headed blindly forward - not really knowing how we were going to make this work, we just knew we wanted to. But now? Now, so much has happened and yet we ended up here again,"

"Second chance?" Cal asked

"Second chance," Gillian repeated.

"Gill, I need you to be absolutely certain, because I can't lose you again. I don't have it in me, darling, I don't have the strength," Cal stated.

"If you'll have me, then I'm yours," she said her face full of emotion.

" _If_ I'll have you? Are you mental?" He said loudly, "If I'll have you? Darling, I won't ever let you go," he finished staring intently at her.

She looked at him and felt her heart race in her chest. Was this really happening?

"So what do we now?" She asked. They both looked at bit punch-drunk.

"It's still early so let's sleep for a little bit and then go home, together," he said staring into her beautiful eyes.

"Home sounds good," Gillian smiled and moved towards him and kissed him sweetly. Cal kissed her back and pulled her even closer towards him. They cuddled together and sighed, content and calm for the first time in a very long time.

The end.

* * *

 _A.N: I want to thank everyone who followed this story and gave reviews, it really meant a lot. I hope this ending was worth the wait, it took me a long time to find it but I am pleased with finally finishing._

 _-Long live Callian!_


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